The Honest Truth: I’m done with hiding

I’ve been contemplating writing and actually posting this, but I’m done with hiding and caring about what other people might think.
And I think that the people that really care about me will understand.
It’s important to be honest and to help each other in difficult times.

As you’ve maybe read in my previous post, I’ve been struggling with anxiety. And I want to talk about it more. Mental health issues shouldn’t be a taboo.
So I’ve decided to do that and be honest with you all.

Insecurity and anxiety attacks


I’ve been dealing with insecurity problems and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but the past couple of years have gotten worse.
A while ago, it got so hard that I decided to seek professional help.
I’m now seeing a therapist and have been recently seeing a psychiatrist as well.

Sometimes the anxiety attacks hit me out of nowhere, sometimes it happens because I’m overthinking. Sometimes really small, irrelevant things happen that trigger me.
It’s like a feeling that starts in my chest, like something bad is going to happen. Difficulty breathing, shaking, overthinking. Sometimes crying all day.
It’s like being drowned in your own thoughts, not being able to snap out of it. It sometimes honestly feels like I’m going crazy and I can’t do anything about it. And yes, it scares me.

Meds and therapy

I’ve been taking antidepressants for a couple of months now, and overall I feel like it’s helping. But then other days, it feels like it’s doing nothing at all.
My doctor also subscribed me some anti-anxiety meds and something to prevent nightmares.
In combination with that, I’m trying to see my therapist regularly.
And I’m going to try EMDR soon as well.

What’s helping me

As I said before, writing and music help me a lot. But I also need to be able to talk about it, also that isn’t so easy to do most of the time.
A lot of negative thoughts I have are about myself, people I care about and relationships.
There’s days I really hate myself and I can’t imagine someone else liking me or wanting to be with me. Although my relationship is going really well, I start to worry about my boyfriend and if he still loves me, why he’s staying with me, if he’s not tired of me, …
These thoughts make me incredibly anxious, but I’m also ashamed and deep inside I know it’s ridiculous (well, that’s how I feel about it…). And so that makes it hard to talk about it. But if I don’t, the thoughts keep growing and it only gets worse.

I’m really lucky I can talk about it with my boyfriend, and that he’s not judging me. So I try talk about it. Sometimes talking about it helps me feeling less anxious, but other days it doesn’t really matter what other people say, ’cause I’m too far gone already.

But hey, today is a pretty good day, except from the heat that is killing me.
And I’m grateful for the good moments.
I’m grateful for my boyfriend and all the love he gives me.
I’m grateful for my cats.
I’m grateful for my job.
I’m gateful for my mom and brother.
I’m grateful for music and books.
I’m grateful for my readers.

And here’s another song for you guys 🙂


<3

Marieke

15 Comments

  1. August 29, 2020 / 12:00 pm

    Very open and honest. I’m sure many others can relate!

    • August 29, 2020 / 12:33 pm

      Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

  2. August 29, 2020 / 12:45 pm

    thank you so much for sharing your story openly.
    I am pretty sure you’ll come out of this victorious!
    all the very best!

  3. August 29, 2020 / 3:01 pm

    Open and honest. Believe it or not reading your about your struggles has helped me today. Thank you for sharing.

    • August 29, 2020 / 3:13 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and your kind response. I’m glad I could help. We’re here to support each other.

  4. August 30, 2020 / 9:22 am

    this is super relevant! I have suffered anxiety my whole life and it just happens I stumbled on your blog post and it is all stuff I can relate to. Thanks for being so brave and sharing your story x

    • August 30, 2020 / 9:25 am

      Thanks for reading my post and commenting. I really appreciate it. I wish you all the best <3

  5. August 31, 2020 / 8:55 pm

    Definitely can related to this post! Anxiety has crippled me throughout life and I have to fight it every day in order to just breathe, function, and to not let it steal my joy or life. Thank you for being real.

  6. September 5, 2020 / 10:25 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing Marieke, I would love you to know that you are not alone in this struggle with anxiety. I have the attacks often too, and what’s so hard about it is I have five kids and two dependents. Agony is how to handle the nagging little ones amidst an attack 😅. But, I found a way round it, I recently shared some tactics I use on my blog.

    Keep talking about it, and mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. I also shared how I survived depression on my blog.

    You’ve got this! And you have our support!
    Thanks for your post

    • September 6, 2020 / 8:53 am

      Thank you so much for your very kind comment on my post, it means a lot to me! I’m following your blog and subscribed <3
      You have mu support as well!

  7. September 6, 2020 / 5:55 am

    Very transparent! This article is valuable and beneficial. It’s very hard for some people battling with anxiety to cope with insecurity. Thanks for sharing!

    • September 6, 2020 / 8:54 am

      Thank you!!! I’m happy you like my post.
      I’m overwhelmed with all the positive comments on this.

  8. September 15, 2020 / 3:39 am

    Thank you so much for sharing and know that you are not in this alone. I have suffered for many years with anxiety and depression, along with many other people out there. I started blogging a month ago and we share the same niche. I will be following you to see how you are growing and doing. Have a wonderful day and keep up the work.

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