I’ve been contemplating writing and actually posting this, but I’m done with hiding and caring about what other people might think.
And I think that the people that really care about me will understand.
It’s important to be honest and to help each other in difficult times.
As you’ve maybe read in my previous post, I’ve been struggling with anxiety. And I want to talk about it more. Mental health issues shouldn’t be a taboo.
So I’ve decided to do that and be honest with you all.
Insecurity and anxiety attacks
I’ve been dealing with insecurity problems and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but the past couple of years have gotten worse.
A while ago, it got so hard that I decided to seek professional help.
I’m now seeing a therapist and have been recently seeing a psychiatrist as well.
Sometimes the anxiety attacks hit me out of nowhere, sometimes it happens because I’m overthinking. Sometimes really small, irrelevant things happen that trigger me.
It’s like a feeling that starts in my chest, like something bad is going to happen. Difficulty breathing, shaking, overthinking. Sometimes crying all day.
It’s like being drowned in your own thoughts, not being able to snap out of it. It sometimes honestly feels like I’m going crazy and I can’t do anything about it. And yes, it scares me.
Meds and therapy
I’ve been taking antidepressants for a couple of months now, and overall I feel like it’s helping. But then other days, it feels like it’s doing nothing at all.
My doctor also subscribed me some anti-anxiety meds and something to prevent nightmares.
In combination with that, I’m trying to see my therapist regularly.
And I’m going to try EMDR soon as well.
What’s helping me
As I said before, writing and music help me a lot. But I also need to be able to talk about it, also that isn’t so easy to do most of the time.
A lot of negative thoughts I have are about myself, people I care about and relationships.
There’s days I really hate myself and I can’t imagine someone else liking me or wanting to be with me. Although my relationship is going really well, I start to worry about my boyfriend and if he still loves me, why he’s staying with me, if he’s not tired of me, …
These thoughts make me incredibly anxious, but I’m also ashamed and deep inside I know it’s ridiculous (well, that’s how I feel about it…). And so that makes it hard to talk about it. But if I don’t, the thoughts keep growing and it only gets worse.
I’m really lucky I can talk about it with my boyfriend, and that he’s not judging me. So I try talk about it. Sometimes talking about it helps me feeling less anxious, but other days it doesn’t really matter what other people say, ’cause I’m too far gone already.
But hey, today is a pretty good day, except from the heat that is killing me.
And I’m grateful for the good moments.
I’m grateful for my boyfriend and all the love he gives me.
I’m grateful for my cats.
I’m grateful for my job.
I’m gateful for my mom and brother.
I’m grateful for music and books.
I’m grateful for my readers.
And here’s another song for you guys 🙂